


The Gang Gets Trapped In A Cave (or The One Where Dennis Banged Elon Musk)

by howlinglight



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-15 02:58:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15403455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howlinglight/pseuds/howlinglight
Summary: Dennis leaned close to his sister. “Have you been reading Charlie communist propaganda?”"Why are you asking me?” she hissed. “You think I don’t have better things to do with my time?”“There’s no one else to ask, you bitch," Dennis replied."Because Elon Musk is picking us off like flies.”The gang gets trapped in a cave and Dennis calls the only person he knows who can save them. Unfortunately, he isnt very good at it.





	The Gang Gets Trapped In A Cave (or The One Where Dennis Banged Elon Musk)

**Author's Note:**

> full credit to these [two](https://glirsty.tumblr.com/post/176133152689/dennis-reynolds-was-born-in-1976-and-therefore) [posts](https://lesbiansweetdee.tumblr.com/post/176148969596) for the inspiration/for haunting my every waking moment since setting eyes upon them.

Cold water filled up his shoes.

Dennis kept walking. 

He was only three steps in and already it was nearing his knees, plastering his jeans to his legs and freezing him down to the bone. 

Four steps. 

It would only get colder. Not to mention deeper. 

Still, Dennis kept walking. He wasn’t going to stop, not if the alternative was staying stranded underground with the four idiots standing uselessly back on the ledge. 

At least, that’s where he had left them. He couldn’t see a foot in front of his face in the darkness of the cave, but he couldn’t hear anyone behind him. Not that he could hear anything either, except the sound of water rushing into the cave, slowly overtaking it. It would flush them out eventually if they stood around and let it, so Dennis kept walking. 

He was taking his seventh step when the ground beneath him suddenly dropped off sharply and he staggered, losing his balance and beginning to fall forward, seconds from crashing face first into the water when a strong arm wrapped itself around his chest from behind. 

“Dennis, be careful!” Mac had to shout to be heard over the water. He didn’t have to do it directly in Dennis’s ear, but this was Mac, after all. 

“Let me go,” Dennis growled, driving his elbow into Mac’s ribs. “I am not dying in here.” 

But Mac was dragging him backwards, keeping him in motion so that he couldn’t catch his balance again until they were back on the dry ground below the ledge the other three were still standing on. 

“You’ll drown if you try to swim back,” Mac was saying, as if that was really the worst option. 

“He’s right,” Dee shouted from above them. “You two need to stop fighting and either save your energy or help us come up with a plan.” 

“What plan?” shouted Charlie. “It’s hopeless. We never should have left Philly. We’re gonna die in here, man. We’re gonna die.” 

He was grabbing Frank by the shoulders, or around where he thought his shoulders were anyway, and within seconds his cries had devolved into senseless shrieking. 

Dennis shook off Mac’s grip and trudged up the slanted bank towards the sound of Charlie’s voice. He reached for the vague form in the darkness, and slapped blindly at it until he felt Charlie’s face beneath his palm. 

“Snap out of it, Charlie!” Dennis shouted, and having found his target, he then slapped him loud enough that it rang out over the sound of the running water. Charlie fell silent. 

From beside them, Frank’s voice said “I hate to say it, but the kid’s got a point. I think we’re really boned this time, gang.” 

“We are not _boned_ ,” Dennis snapped. “We’re not anything, except wasting time. We can still get out of here.” 

“But how, dude?” said Mac. “There’s no way you guys can swim that far.” 

“There has to be some— Wait.” Dennis cut himself short. “Are you implying that you _could_?” 

“Of course, I could,” said Mac, with an expression on his face that Dennis didn’t even need to see to be aggravated by. “It’s nothing against you guys, I’m just saying when it comes to core strength—“ 

“Nuh-uh,” said Dee. “No way. You guys are not having a discussion about core strength right now.” 

“I’m just saying—“ 

“So help me god, I will drown you both myself." Dee said it like she meant it. “Now unless anyone has a real plan, we should get ready to be here for a while.” 

“I have a plan,” said Dennis. “Let’s _go_!” 

“That’s not a plan,” said Dee. 

“Well, do you have anything better?” 

“Anything would be better,” she said. She paused for a few seconds’ thought before asking: “Is there anyone we could call?” 

“I don’t know,” said Mac. “Frank, do you have a guy?” 

“Me? Do I got a guy?” Frank repeated incredulously. “Do I got a _cave rescue guy?_ No, I don’t have a guy.” 

“See!” Charlie wailed. “We might as well just throw ourselves in and get it over with.” 

He started to rise from the rock he was sitting on, but he’d barely reached his feet when someone said: “Wait!” 

Dennis’s heart was hammering in his chest. He wasn’t going to die in here, he thought. It was worth it to try, he thought. “I…” he said, reaching into his pocket for his phone. “I might have a guy.” 

The screen of his cell phone was almost blinding against the absolute blackness of the cave, but despite the way it stung his eyes, he squinted and scrolled through his contacts, looking for one he had not touched in years. His hand was shaking as he brought the phone to his ear, but he told himself it was only from the cold. 

It was a miracle, he thought, as he listened to the phone ring, that he had any service at all down here. He held his breath as it continued to ring, and then finally, just as he was losing hope, a familiar voice said: “Hello?” 

“Hi,” said Dennis. At that moment, it was for some reason the only word he knew how to say. 

“Dennis?” The voice said. “Is that you?” 

“Yeah, it’s me,” said Dennis, swallowing the lump in his throat. “Listen, Elon. I need a favour…” 

☆ ☆ ☆

“What do you mean you met him in school?” 

“I mean we both went to Penn. We hung out sometimes,” Dennis said for what must have been the eighteenth time. “What part of this is so hard to understand?” 

“The part where you know Elon Musk but we’re somehow just finding out about it,” said Dee. 

”What, I’m supposed to talk at length about every guy I ever met in college? I know lots of people. It’s not a big deal.” 

“It’s a huge deal,” said Mac. “Charlie, can you believe this?” 

“No!” said Charlie. “No way. That’s so… wow. I mean… Wow, y’know. Dennis, man, that’s just…” 

“You have no idea who Elon Musk is, do you?” said Mac. 

“Who?” said Charlie. “I thought that was the one that you get from eating raw meat.” 

“He’s just a guy who I think can help us, okay?” Dennis said, hoping against hope that that would be the end of it. 

“He’s a rich guy,” Mac added. 

“Oh,” said Charlie. “But we already have one of those.” 

“Not like this,” said Frank. “This guy’s filthy rich. Billionaire rich.” 

“Oh shit,” said Charlie. “Then what’s he doing hanging out with you?” 

“We don’t hang out,” Dennis explained. “I haven’t seen him in years.” 

“Then why would he come rescue you?” 

“Enough questions!” Dennis snapped. “If you don’t shut up, I’m going to tell him to leave you behind.” 

“You know, Dennis,” Dee chimed in. “You’re being awfully defensive about this.” 

“I am not.” 

“I don’t know, dude,” said Charlie. “You kinda are.” 

“Yeah, what’s up with that?” said Mac. “I feel like there’s something you’re not telling us.” 

“There’s nothing to tell,” Dennis insisted. 

Dee reached into her pocket, pulling out her phone, and held the screen up to cast its light on Dennis, who raised a hand to shield his eyes. He couldn’t see her from beyond the light, but she could see him. 

“Dennis,” she said, staring hard at her brother. “Did you bang Elon Musk?” 

“What?” said Dennis, his words spilling out quick but stilted. “Pfff. What? That’s just ridiculous. That’s not— It doesn’t even— _What?_ ” 

“Oh my god,” said Dee. 

“Are you serious?” said Mac. 

“That doesn’t sound healthy,” said Charlie. 

“Enough!” Dennis shouted. “That’s enough, all of you stop it. I did not have sex with Elon Musk, okay? Now everyone shut up and save your strength for when we get rescued.” 

Whether or not the gang took him at his word, they did all seem to believe that he had the right idea, and so they all curled up on the ledge above the water and waited for help to arrive. They made the most of the two flasks they had between them, and when those had run dry, someone grumbled that they couldn’t believe they’d ever gone into a cave without extra alcohol on them. At least that raised the question of who’s fault it was, which gave them something to argue about as the night dragged ever onward. 

Dennis kept checking his phone, even tried to place another call, but there was no response beyond that first communication. He could not guess at how many hours had gone by, but he had all but given up hope well before anything happened. He had only just resolved to try braving the water again, was just talking himself into standing up, when suddenly something happened. 

Without warning or preamble, a piercing light broke the darkness, rising from the water in the center of the chamber, at once terrifying and blinding all five of them. 

“God?” Mac asked, looking through his fingers towards the light. “Is that you?” 

“Better,” said a voice from within or beyond the brightness, which was then suddenly extinguished, before flickering back to life at a dimmer setting. It seemed to be a headlamp, and the man wearing it introduced himself: “My name is Elon Musk.” 

He pulled off his headlamp as he stepped on to dry land, and hung it from a rock jutting up from the cave floor. A dim light fell across everyone in the cave. 

“Dennis,” said Elon Musk. “It’s good to see you.” 

“Elon! Good to see you, buddy,” Dennis replied, with a stiff laugh. “You sure took your time getting here.” 

“Well,” replied the billionaire. “I had to be absolutely sure I was operating on the most inconvenient plan possible before I could take any action.” 

“Makes sense,” said Frank. 

“Sure, sure, sure,” said Dee. “Of course it does. So, can we get going now?” 

“Not yet,” said Elon, pulling out his phone. He quickly fired off a string of tweets before putting it back in his pocket and announcing: “Alright. It’s rescue time.” 

He snapped his fingers then and another wave rolled off the water behind him as something else emerged from the depths. It was about the size and shape of a coffin, except that it was made of a smooth coat of metal that shone even in the dim light. Beneath it, holding it up from the water, were two young men, both of them gasping for breath. 

Elon pointed at the patch of dry land left between himself and the startled onlookers, and the two young men advanced wordlessly towards it, struggling to scale the uneven ground with the big metal tube on their shoulders. When they reached the spot that he was pointing to, one of them collapsed. 

“Ugh,” said Elon, and looked at the man who was still on his feet. “Can you clean that up?” 

The young man was bent double under the weight of the tube, and his knees shook as he tried to shift it off his shoulders. He was halfway out from under it when he also collapsed, the tube landing on top of him. 

Elon sighed and shook his head. “It’s so hard to find good help these days.” 

For a long moment, they all stared at the tube and no one on the ledge said a word. Then Dee said: “What the hell is that?” 

“It’s an elaborate PR stunt,” said Elon. “And it only fits one person at a time.” 

That was good enough for Dee. “Women and children!” she shouted, shoving past Frank and Charlie and jumping down from the ledge to where salvation awaited. 

“I called him,” said Dennis, sticking an arm out to block her way. “I’m going first.” 

“But Dennis,” said Elon. “We have so much catching up to do.” 

For two very different reasons, both of the twins stopped dead. 

Through his teeth, Dennis said: “And we can talk about that outside.” 

“No, no, no,” said Dee. “We can talk about it now.” 

Dennis only had to see Elon open his mouth to speak and he dropped his arm to let his sister pass. 

“Send her first,” he said. “Women and children. Get her out.” 

“Score,” Dee said and took another step towards the tube. “So what is this thing? How does it work?” 

Elon snapped his fingers and two more young men surfaced from the water and stepped up to the tube, each of them popping open one half of a long hatch. Inside was about enough space for a person, provided they were not too tall, or too wide, or in possession of too many bones. 

“Kind of a tight fit,” Dee observed. 

Elon was beaming. “It has an MP3 player,” he said. 

“Are you sure that thing is safe?” said Charlie, peering down from the ledge. 

“Completely,” said Elon. “We tested it in my pool.” 

“Works for me,” said Dee, who would, by that point, have accepted a good luck handshake and a swift kick into the water if it meant any chance of getting back outside. As she began to climb inside the tube, Frank spoke up. 

“So the rest of us are just supposed to stay here?” 

“Only until the submarine gets back,” said Elon. “Then another one can leave.” 

“That’ll take ages!” Frank said. 

“Hey,” Mac cut in. “Maybe it’s not so bad. It’ll give us time to get to know each other.” 

“Have fun with that, boners,” Dee called from within the submarine. “Alright boys, let's get this show on the road.” 

But Elon’s attention was still on Mac. 

“You see, Mr. Musk— Can I call you Elon?” 

“No.” 

“Something you might not know about me, Elon, is that I am incredibly skilled in the art of self-defence.” Mac fired off three successive karate chops to illustrate his point. 

Dennis buried his face in his open palms. 

“Anytime now guys,” said Dee. 

“Now, don’t be fooled by the name,” Mac continued. “Because I don’t just defend myself. I can also defend yourself, or anybody else’s self. Whatever you need. So if you’re looking to hire any kind of bodyguard or security detail…” 

“I’m not,” said Elon. 

“At least give me a chance!” Mac pleaded. “Wait till you see what I can do. Here, here, watch this.” 

Suddenly Mac leapt forward, down the slanted bank, both legs kicking out in different directions. He spun at most 90 degrees, before one of his legs connected with one of the many rocks jutting up from the ground, whereupon he promptly collapsed in a screaming heap. 

“Oh, Jesus Christ, my knee! Dennis, I think I broke my knee.” 

“How am I supposed to fix that?” 

“Oh my god, it really hurts.” 

Dee sat up in the tube, which took some effort, and she bumped her head twice, but she was eager to see what all the screaming was about. 

Elon pinched the bridge of his nose. “Change of plans,” he said. “I can’t listen to that.” 

“Wait, what?” said Dee, but it was too late. 

The billionaire snapped his fingers and the two young men standing by tube, grabbed Dee under her arms and, not for a lack of trying on her part, they dragged her back out of the tube. 

One of them held her back while the other grabbed Mac, still screaming, and hoisted him into the tube. Elon snapped again and, their duty done, they turned around and walked back into the water until they disappeared. 

“Are they gonna be okay down there?” said Charlie. 

“Who?” said Elon as he shut the hatch on Mac, muffling the sound of his screams. 

Charlie looked at Frank, who simply shrugged. 

Elon pulled his phone out of his pocket and snapped a photo of the submarine before finally kicking it off the rocky bank and into the water. 

The whole group watched it sink slowly into the darkness, and once it was out of sight, Dee said: “So what now?” 

“Now, we wait,” said Elon. His phone still in one hand, he began tapping at the screen. “And we tweet.” 

“Wait how do you have wifi?” asked Dee. 

Elon shrugged. “I had a satellite installed on my way over.” 

“What’s the password?” she asked, all four of them already pulling their phones from their pockets. 

“Ooh,” said Elon, clicking his teeth. “I’d love to hook you guys up, but I only have so many gigs, y’know?” 

Dee’s mouth fell open. She did not know what to say, but she had begun to consider the feasibility of using a human body as a liferaft. 

“Anyway, tell me what you think of this one,” said Elon. “‘Billionaires are some of the most oppressed people in America. For too long, the rich have been—’.“ 

“Sounds like bullshit,” Dee cut in. “What do I have to break to get out of here next?” 

“Hey!” said Frank, making her jump. “It ain’t bullshit at all.” 

“Jesus Christ,” said Dee. “Are you still alive back there?” 

“You’re damn right I am,” said Frank. “It takes more than one little old cave to kill Frank Reynolds.” 

“How much more?” She asked. “Apparently, we have time.” 

Ignoring her, Frank looked at Elon. “Mr. Musk, you have to forgive my daughter. She has what you might call shit for brains. Personally, I think your twitters are great.” 

“Tweets,” said Dennis. “Oh my god, it’s tweets. Why are we still talking about this?” 

Frank shrugged. “What else are we gonna do?” 

“We could all kill ourselves,” Dennis suggested. “That sounds good, right? Charlie, do you still want to kill yourself, buddy?” 

“Not so much,” Charlie said and Dennis’s shoulders dropped. 

Frank kept on babbling: “See, I get where you’re coming from,” he was saying. “Kids these days just don’t have any respect for money or power. All they want is a free ride.” 

With a look of absolute shock on his face, Elon looked down at the strange little man, and said: “Finally, someone reasonable!” 

“That’s me,” said Frank. 

He began to clamber down the ledge to where the other man stood, and he reached it without falling and smashing his skull, which was a let down for the twins, though hardly the biggest one of the day. 

“I’m not just reasonable,” he continued. “See, I _get_ you. We’re one of a kind, you and me.” 

“I wouldn’t go that far,” said Elon. 

“Why not?” said Frank. “We got lots in common: We’re both smart, good-looking, rich, young guys. I know what it’s like.” 

Elon looked at him doubtfully. 

“I feel your pain,” Frank continued. “I know what it’s like to be hated for who you are. Just because you’re rich people think they can treat you like shit. I get it.” 

For moment there was silence, except for the sounds of water. A single tear escaped from Elon’s eye, spilling down his cheek. 

“There are so few—“ His voice broke. “So few people who understand.” 

“I know,” said Frank, reaching out to rest a hand on the other man's arm. “But I do. And you know what? I know how to make it better too.” 

Elon looked down at him with wide eyes. “How?” he said softly. 

“All you’ve got to do,” said Frank, looking earnestly up at the suffering billionaire. “Is take Tesla, and all that space shit, all the money— Take all of it, and sign it over to me. Let someone else carry that burden for a while.” 

Elon’s eyes narrowed again. “Ahh,” he said. 

“Jesus _Christ_ , Frank” Dennis said under his breath. 

“Actually,” said Elon. “I have a better idea.” 

He reached behind him the and pulled a bag from his back. From inside of it, he retrieved two shiny metal tubes, about a foot long. smaller versions of the one they had sent Mac away in. 

Frank stared at them in disbelief. “What the hell are those supposed to be?” 

“Same idea as before, but smaller and self-propelled,” Elon explained. “I originally built these to save a cat stranded on an ice float, but the good for nothing coast guard beat me to it.” 

“I can’t fit inside of those,” said Frank. “You want me to wear ‘em on my feet?” 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Elon. “You’re just going to hold them.” 

“Okay,” Charlie said. “Now, there’s no way _that’s_ safe.” 

“It’s not a matter of safety,” Elon explained. “It’s a matter of all these sick ass submarines I built out of rocket parts that no one wants to let me use.” 

He handed them to Frank, who held them close to his chest. “Like this?” 

“Close enough,” said Elon. “Just hold on tight and they’ll carry you right through the water.” 

“Shouldn’t I have some kind of protection?” said Frank. “Some kind of helmet or something?” 

“Oh right,” said Elon, and he reached into the bag again, pulling out an underwater respirator. 

“A what?” said Dennis. “Does that even exist?” 

“When you have as much money as I do, you can make anything exist.” 

“So you’ve had that the whole time?” said Charlie. “Do you have more of those? And more of those submarine things?” 

“Of course, I do,” said Elon. “Submarines are cool as fuck.” 

“Then what are we waiting for?” Charlie asked. “We can all leave now.” 

“We’re not going anywhere,” said Elon. “Except for you. I don’t like you.” 

Frank looked up at him, tried to say _what_ past the respirator, but if it sounded like anything at all it was lost on the rest of the gang because that was the moment when Elon pushed him into the water. 

“Hold on tight!” He shouted, as the tiny submarines whirred to life and pulled Frank into the water. 

“So why aren’t we leaving?” said Charlie. 

Elon crossed his arms. “Because I broke one of my rocket ships to make this submarine and so we’re going to use it whether you like it or not.” 

They did not like it, but they did not have a long list of options. The three remaining members of the gang stayed huddled in the dirt, while Elon tapped at his phone, and together, they waited. 

All the while, Charlie could not stop eyeing the bag. 

“Can you believe this?” he whispered to Dee. “This is insane.” 

“I know,” she whispered back. 

“I can’t believe you’re friends with this guy,” he whispered again, now to Dennis. 

“I’m not,” Dennis replied. “I just thought he could help us. And he is helping us, even if he’s not very good at it.” 

“But he’s got all that stuff,” Charlie insisted. “He’s got way more than he needs and we could die in here if we don’t take it.” 

“We are not robbing Elon Musk,” Dennis hissed. “Now shut up and be patient.” 

“But it’s not stealing.” 

“ _Shut up_.” 

“It’s not! It’s redistribution. It’s the right thing to do. You guys, we need to revolt.” 

“We are not staging a revolution right now, Charlie.” It was starting to get hard to keep his voice to a whisper. “Dee, would you talk some sense into him?” 

Dee was staring straight ahead, watching Elon tap at his phone. Without turning to look at the others, she replied: “I say we eat this guy.” 

“Alright, Dee! That’s the spirit,” Charlie said, bringing his hands together in delight. 

Elon looked up. “What was that?” he asked, absently. 

“Now!” Charlie shouted, and jumped to his feet, Dee close behind him. 

“Charlie, no!” Dennis lunged forward, catching him by the back of his jacket. 

Charlie turned back to him, shouting: “Come on, man, we gotta unite! There’s nothing to lose but your chains!” 

“How do you even know that?” Dennis shouted back, but he did not get an answer. 

Just as suddenly as he had risen to his feet, Charlie collapsed on the ground, and in his place stood Elon Musk, still brandishing the miniature submarine with which he’d knocked him out. 

“Gotta love a submarine,” he said, cheerfully. “There’s no problem they can’t fix.” 

Sweet Dee sat back down. 

Dennis leaned close to his sister. “How did he know that?” he whispered. 

Dee only shrugged. 

“Have you been reading him communist propaganda?” 

“Why are you asking me?” she hissed. “You think I don’t have better things to do with my time?” 

“There’s no one else to ask, you bitch. Elon Musk is picking us off like flies.” 

“And who’s fault is that, genius?” With that she looked away from him, folding her arms across her chest and waiting, for what she hoped would not be long. 

She had lost all concept of what long or short felt like by the time anything happened, and the whole extent of it was that Dennis sneezed. Twice. Elon looked up the first time. It was riveting. 

Dee felt the crushing weight of monotony like a one-man submarine sitting on her chest. This was going to kill her, this part right here. Not the cold or the dark or the water or even Elon Musk. Sitting in the dark being bored to death was what was really going to do her in. 

“So,” she said suddenly. “You two used to know each other in college?” 

“Can we not do this?” said Dennis. 

“That’s right,” said Elon, looking away from his phone. “We were quite close back in the day.” 

“ _Really?_ ” said Dee, adding about six extra syllables to the word. 

“ _Can we not?_ ” said Dennis. 

“No, no,” said Dee. “ _Let’s._ How close is quite close?” 

“Dee—“ 

“Dennis, it’s okay,” said Elon. “I’m not ashamed.” 

“I am!” Dennis said it without thinking and he felt it in his chest when Elon’s expression changed. Fumbling desperately he added: “S-so happy! I am just so happy that you’re here.” He laughed, a strangled sound, and rubbed his palms together. “So tell me more about your submarine, huh, pal? I bet you got all kinds of cool stuff in that bag.” 

“I do,” said Elon, his tone and expression completely serious. “They’re made of rocket ship parts. There’s nothing cooler on this planet.” 

“Aha! Good one,” said Dennis, laughing again, although he wasn’t quite sure it was a joke. “Anyway, why don’t you show us some of them?” 

Elon opened the bag once more and from it he began pulling out tube after tube, rifling through rocket parts until his free arm was full, and he still the bag was not empty. “I can keep going,” he said. “I have different sizes.” 

“How is he doing that?” said Dennis, watching as the other man continued pulling tubes out of the bag. 

Dee stood up. “Let me help you,” she said, reaching towards him, but he took a step back from her. So maybe they had the same thought when he started pulling out submarines. Fair enough. He was still a billionaire, and Dee knew he would have one unfailing weakness. 

“Let me help,” she said again. “It’s alright, I promise I won’t ask for fair compensation.” 

She had barely gotten the words out before he began offloading the pile on her. She staggered and almost slipped under the sudden weight, saying: “Okay, these are heavier than they look.” 

“Deal’s a deal,” said Elon. 

Dee laughed, a single dry chuckle. “Sure it is.” It was the last thing she said before she let the tubes start to fall from her arms. 

“No!” Elon wailed, as they began to hit the rocks. He lunged to the ground and began gathering them back up. 

While he was distracted, Dee darted past him, springing over rocks and submarines to reach the water. She had held back two of the tubes for herself and with a deep breath, she took a leap of faith right into the icy depths. 

Dennis looked in absolute disbelief. He tried to follow his sister’s example, but the few tubes around his feet were all much smaller than the ones the others had used, and Elon was already putting the larger ones back in his bag. Dennis grabbed one that had landed near his foot and stared at it, sitting uselessly in the palm of his hand. 

Elon stood back up and sniffled. “That was so mean.” 

“Yeah.” Dennis sighed. “She’s a total bitch.” 

And now she was gone, leaving Dennis and Elon all alone. 

This was what he’d wanted to avoid. 

Dennis took a few steps away and sat back down on the unforgiving ground. He pulled his knees up to his chest and tried to think about anything else, running through all the things he would say to Mac about being more responsible with what he read to Charlie. He did not get far before Elon sat down next to him. 

“You look cold,” he said, softly. “Are you okay?” 

“Am I okay?” said Dennis. “No, I am not okay. I’m trapped in a cave, I’m freezing, I’m starving, I don’t—“ 

He was cut short when, without warning, Elon grabbed his face, pulling him into a deep and passionate kiss that roused memories which Dennis had not touched in many years. 

He was transported back to late nights and early mornings in his college dorm, to dancing and singing along with their song, to blowjobs both given and received behind the dumpster at 7/11. It was a different time when they were different people, and though it would always hold a special place in Dennis’s heart, he knew that there was no way to go back. 

He broke the kiss. “Elon,” he said softly, laying a hand on the other man’s chest. “We can’t do this.” 

“But why?" said Elon, one hand stroking Dennis’s cheek. “I’ve waited so long for this moment.” 

“I know,” said Dennis. “I know. But it just isn’t the same anymore. It would never work. I have the bar, and you have all of these many, many submarines. We’re different people.” 

Elon sighed. “I suppose you’re right,” he said “Still, how about one last kiss? For old times sake?” 

Dennis bit his lip. He knew that he shouldn’t, but Elon was already leaning in again and he couldn’t help himself. 

It was a deeply passionate kiss, Elon’s arms curled around Dennis, holding him close in the dark. Dennis was completely enveloped in the other man, lost in his taste, in his smell, his unique and irresistible musk. Dennis wanted him almost as badly as he wanted out of that godforsaken cave. 

Almost. 

Dennis leaned forward, deepening the kiss, and reaching past Elon with one hand, for the bag that sat beside them on the ground. 

Pulling back only a fraction of an inch, just enough to breathe a whisper against the other man’s lips, Dennis said softly: “I’m sorry.” 

“What?” said Elon. His eyes met Dennis’s one final time before Dennis pulled the submarine out of the bag, and for just a second they widened as if he knew what was coming. Then the tube made impact with his head and his eyes rolled back. 

Elon Musk slumped over on the ground. 

Dennis’s heart was racing. He had done it. He had really done it. He looked back over his shoulder to where Charlie was laying only a few feet away. 

“Charlie,” he called out. “Hey, Charlie?” But Charlie did not move. 

Dennis crawled over to where his friend lay on the ground, saying his name again and shaking him by the shoulders. Still no movement. Reaching behind him, Dennis dipped a hand into the water and then flicked his fingers over Charlie’s face. 

With a violent jerk, Charlie’s eyes shot open. “What?” he said. “Where are we? What’s going on?” 

“We’re in the cave,” Dennis told him. “But we’re getting out.” 

“How?” 

“We redistributed,” said Dennis, pressing the submarine into Charlie’s hand. 

“Aw man.” Charlie looked around as he picked himself up. “Did I miss the whole revolution?” 

“I’m afraid so pal,” said Dennis. “Better luck next time.” 

He walked back over to Elon, who was still lying motionless in the ground, and he pulled more tubes and breathing masks out of his bag and gave Charlie what he would need. Then there was only one thing left to do. 

Dennis leaned over the unconscious man. Although his mask muffled the sound of his voice, he felt in his heart like somehow, Elon could still hear him. He touched the other man’s face softly, ran his fingers over his eyelids. Maybe in another life, he thought. 

“Are you ready to go?” Charlie asked from over his shoulder. 

“Don’t ruin the moment,” Dennis snapped. Again he brushed his fingers over Elon’s closed eyes, and he sighed softly before whispering: “Goodnight, sweet prince.” 

Then finally, Dennis turned around, placing a hand on Charlie’s shoulder. “Are you ready to get out of here now?” 

“I was already—“ Charlie started to say, but he decided to bite his tongue. It had been a long day and his head hurt and he was tired of arguing. They had both been through a lot and it wasn’t over yet, so he gave a simple nod and just said: “Yeah. Let’s go.” 

So they both stepped away from Elon Musk, cold water filling their shoes. 

☆ ☆ ☆

Dennis woke up with a gasp. It took a long, panic-stricken moment for him to realize that he was in fact on dry land and he was not in any danger. 

He rolled over, squinting in the dark to see the dim red letters on his alarm clock. 5:25 AM. He still had time to sleep before class. 

He rolled back over, closing his eyes again, but he could not fall easily back into sleep. Although he remembered his dream only in bits and pieces, he couldn’t shake the feeling of panic that it had set off. 

He sat up and swung his legs off the bed. From behind him, he felt shifting on the mattress. Looking over his shoulder, he whispered: “Go back to sleep.” But it was too late for the other man as well. 

“What’s up?” came a voice from beside him in the dark. 

“Nothing,” Dennis said. “Go back to sleep.” 

“I can’t,” the other man said with a grin. “Someone won’t lie down. Bad dreams again?” 

Dennis sighed. “Weird dreams,” he said. “Weird, weird shit.” 

“You want to talk about it?” 

“Nah.” Dennis shook his head, rubbed one eye with the heel of his palm. “It was just a dream.” 

“Suit yourself,” said the other man. He reached out then, and grabbed Dennis by the arm, pulling him back down to the bed. “Tell me one thing though: was I in it?” 

Dennis settled back into his spot on the bed, ran a hand through the other man’s receding hair and smiled at him. “Yeah,” said Dennis. “You were.” 

And then they both went back to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, im on tumblr at @christiangothdotcom if you want to send me the hatemail i so rightfully deserve


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